For the very first time, the baby slept in her own bedroom last Monday night. I can't believe I surpassed the restlessness of the knowledge that she was away from my sight.
It's only few nights ago that I opened up to my husband wondering of how I can emotionally deal the thought of having her sleep in the crib (which is in her bedroom) every night. Her room is just a number of steps from our bedroom, but it feels like it's on the other side of the world if she spends her night there.
The bassinet is no longer safe for her. The shallowness of its depth from the mattress to the edge, and how strong she becomes now, make it easier for her to push herself up. Many times she tried to plunge herself onto our bed from the sleeping basket. And if we keep her sleep there, it's so possible that one night, we will just find her on the floor. Aside from the safety concern, I noticed that the small space is no longer comfortable for her to sleep in. She could no longer settle herself in the most convenient sleeping position.
As a mother, I also experienced separation anxiety which happened perhaps a month ago. One night, she was asleep in her crib. Of course, I didn't expect us to keep her there. By the time we go to bed, we will taker her with us. That's what I thought. However, my husband had another plan. He thought of letting her sleep in the crib the whole night. At first I resisted, but later thought that we can try...I can try because eventually she will be sleeping in her bedroom. Perhaps doing it earlier will make it easier for me.
In to our bedroom, so dark, so quiet. My heart was exploding. I shed silent tears. The room felt incomplete. Half of me was empty. Half of me was with the baby. And she felt so far away. So far away that I could not reach her. I lay on bed, tears falling; my husband unaware of the tears. I couldn't sleep. My ears, fixed on the baby monitor. My mind and heart was on my daughter. But as what I said, "I can try." But the emotions were too unbearable. My husband knows me too well even if I cry in silence. Questions were asked that created a little bit of tension. He told me that taking the baby with us in our bedroom was not really a problem. All I needed to do was tell him. My mistake was, instead of telling him the raging emotions inside me, I kept it to myself...boiling. At the end of the emotional and mental stress, all three of us ended together in our bed. Conflict was resolved, love and understanding prevailed.
So, nights ago I brought up the topic. I knew I had to make a decision. But emotionally, I was not prepared. He suggested that when it's time for the baby's bedtime, we can put her in the crib and take her with us in our bed when we go settle down to sleep. It sounded a great idea for me. We started the routine last Sunday night. Part of me didn't really want to disrupt her sleep. So I told my husband that we can go to bed and if she wakes up, that's when we can take her in. Well, she started to stir at midnight. We took her in and she slept in between us. Honestly, our bed is becoming uncomfortable to accommodate the three of us. There's not enough room anymore specially with a baby that's starting to shift her sleeping position several times at night. But we slept fine Sunday night.
Monday night before my husband and I went to bed, we checked her in her bedroom. She looked so asleep and probably felt more comfortable with the spacious crib. I woke up several times. I heard her stirred few times, but didn't really wake up. Surprisingly, I didn't feel the heaviness in my heart, but was still quite anxious of how she's doing. Morning kissed the night away. I got up to feed her at 5:30. While feeding her, I thought of putting toys in her crib so that she can play with them when she starts her day. But my plan changed. I took her in our bedroom instead. I missed my little girl beside me. Most of all, I didn't want her to feel alone when she wakes up and we're nowhere to be found.
Tonight is her third night in her bedroom. This should be the routine now. I realized that she gets better sleep in her crib than in her undersized bassinet or on our overcrowded bed. The question of until when I keep her in my arms each morning after I gave her first feeding has no answer yet.